Reality Bites

The annual debacle that is Celebrity Big Brother has just started on Channel 4 ... I have managed to resist watching this over past years, but made the mistake of watching the first episode, in which the 'celebrities' are wheeled into the Big Brother house in front of big crowds. The unwritten law governing reality TV shows states that: if you watch the first show your will is no longer your own. You will lose your ability to make any kind of sensible decision, which will be illustrated by the inability to make the sensible decision not to watch, and you are doomed to watch the whole sorry thing right through to the end.

Another 'rule' of reality TV shows is that you will discuss the housemates as though you know them, e.g.: "Did you see what ___ said to ______ last night?", "Oh my god I know, wasn't it awful - he's really sensitive about that, especially after what happened!!". It is media manipulation on a grand scale - against your better judgement, you will care about these people & feel their pain. You will develop 'favourites' & feel defensive on their behalf when other housemates are horrible to them. It's absurd, but I know I'll end up doing it. I've already 'bookmarked' the official website & checked the week's TV schedule to see whether any of the episodes clash with any of my regular programmes.

This years group of 'housemates' are typical in that they are either little-known Z-Listers, or they were famous about 20 years ago. I recognise approximately 6 of the 11 people, all of whom I recognise because they were in the public eye in the 70s & 80s ( my formative years). And frankly, they weren't exactly 'up there' back then. The woman off the Kenny Everett Show is in there - Cleo someone; one of the A Team actors is in there - Dirk something (Benedict?); Ken Russell - film director of 'Women In Love', 'Tommy', & long fur coat fame; Leo Sayer of You Make Me Feel Like Dancing fame; & Jermaine 'brother of Michael' Jackson.

Other than that there are a couple of refugees from manufactured pop bands (one of S Club 7 & one of Steps), footballer Teddy Sheringham's glamour model girlfriend, a journalist who 'tells it like it is' (code for 'reactionary old bigot') called Carole, & an incredibly beautiful Bollywood actress called Shilpa. There is also a 20 something rock-star wannabe called Donny Tourette (not his real name, I'm guessing), but it's been reported that he 'escaped' over the Big Brother wall last night rather than have to be a servant to Jade Goody (don't ask). I had never heard of him before Thursday night, but I am now counting down the minutes until I can learn all about it ...

45 minutes later ...

Well I am pleased to report that Donny DID in fact climb over the wall, with the help of 'H' from Steps. I for one was cheering him on, especially after they showed footage of Jade Goody, her boyfriend & her mum - each as vacuous as the other. The idea was that several of the housemates - including Donny - would be required to become servants to Miss Goody & her family. Frankly, his escape seemed like the only sensible response to the situation & I found myself nodding earnestly in agreement with Leo Sayer when he described him as a 'bloody good bloke'. I was really sad that he'd left, & felt my heart sink a little bit at his passing.

Which brings me back to the unwritten rules again, & I offer the following facts as evidence:

Point 1: Leo Sayer only met this Donny bloke 3 days ago, so any kind of personality assessment will necessarily be of limited accuracy.

Point 2: I haven't met him AT ALL, so my agreement with his assessment is not based on any kind of reality.

Point 3: He is essentially a total stranger who clearly fancies himself as the next Pete Doherty/Sid Vicious/whoever, & has had a little bit of media attention for being involved with Peaches Geldof. He may or may not be talented - he's only about 22 I think.

Point 4: None of that matters any more - I'm hooked ...



Spam emails of the day:

At Midwinter Is Sarcastic

Yo Les Digo!

Italy Has Been Wildly Included

I Was At Best Buy Yesterday Where They Had The Brown Zunes